friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.