Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.