You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
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Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
From my Mom
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.