Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
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Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.