Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
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Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”