A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.