@Blarebare

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

@Blarebare

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

@Blarebare

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

@Blarebare

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

@Blarebare

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

@Blarebare

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

@Blarebare

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

@Blarebare

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.