Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.