I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.