WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
COP: *starts barking*
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*