[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
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i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!