@BlondAmbitionTO

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

@BlondAmbitionTO

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

@BlondAmbitionTO

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.