Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BlondAmbitionTO's best tweets

@BlondAmbitionTO : Grammar isn't just grandpa's wife.

@BlondAmbitionTO: I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

@BlondAmbitionTO: Her: I'm a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I'm a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

@BlondAmbitionTO: Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

@BlondAmbitionTO: I hate when people call and say they're 10 minutes away for a "drop-by surprise visit" and I have to set fire to my house.

@BlondAmbitionTO: When I die, before I'm cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

@BlondAmbitionTO: I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in "The Shining."

@BlondAmbitionTO: "Weight Watchers" because "Obesity Observers" was too cerebral.

@BlondAmbitionTO: I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: "Oh, bad move, I'd have done it this way..."