Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.