I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.