New Password: Elephants
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New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
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When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*