I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
How software testing works
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.