There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.