Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.