Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.