@BobTheSuit

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

@BobTheSuit

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

@BobTheSuit

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

@BobTheSuit

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

@BobTheSuit

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

@BobTheSuit

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

@BobTheSuit

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

@BobTheSuit

The self-checkout screen says “Finish and pay.” I feel like I’m with an irritable hooker.

@BobTheSuit

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

@BobTheSuit

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.