Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
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Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom