Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney