I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
thank god
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.