The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies