Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”