Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes