How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I need a headline like this