If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you