Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
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*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground