I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.
$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.
She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.
11yo: Daddy, why can’t we get a dog?
Me: I like our house the way it is.
11: What, small?
Me: Go to your drawer.