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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]