Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”