[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.