GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”