interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
BETRAYAL
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.