@BoogTweets

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

@BoogTweets

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

@BoogTweets

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

@BoogTweets

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

@BoogTweets

If you were a plant which one would you be? I’d be nuclear power

@BoogTweets

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

@BoogTweets

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

@BoogTweets

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

@BoogTweets

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO