@BoogTweets

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

@BoogTweets

What if shrimp have no idea we call them shrimp and they’re all scootin round the ocean telling everyone their called Thad

@BoogTweets

A penguin sits next to you on a plane to Toledo you let him have the window seat but he ends up holding his goddamn fins out the whole time singing I’m like a bird by Nelly Furtado

@BoogTweets

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

@BoogTweets

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

@BoogTweets

“It’s a bird, no it’s a plane” my dude, how bad are your eyes (rhetorical) that you can’t tell the difference between a bird (very small) and a plane (like 3 times bigger than any bird) not to mention (but I will) it’s actually a guy in tights (possibly cake)

@BoogTweets

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

@BoogTweets

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

@BoogTweets

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much