Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
What if shrimp have no idea we call them shrimp and they’re all scootin round the ocean telling everyone their called Thad
A penguin sits next to you on a plane to Toledo you let him have the window seat but he ends up holding his goddamn fins out the whole time singing I’m like a bird by Nelly Furtado
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“It’s a bird, no it’s a plane” my dude, how bad are your eyes (rhetorical) that you can’t tell the difference between a bird (very small) and a plane (like 3 times bigger than any bird) not to mention (but I will) it’s actually a guy in tights (possibly cake)
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much