[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
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“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti