[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
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I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
We all have our pet causes.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Twitter fine art
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up