my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
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911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I enjoy a good short stor
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.