Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.