Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
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Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Check your privilege
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”