satan: not today, microsoft teams
You Might Also Like
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses