please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth