‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that