God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
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I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Morning.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”