[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
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Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
This kinda thing happens to me often
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
haha same
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
This why you should mind your business
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.