Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
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My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Can’t stop laughing
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
#dalle2
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”