*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.