[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try