My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.