@BradBroaddus

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

@BradBroaddus

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

@BradBroaddus

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

@BradBroaddus

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

@BradBroaddus

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

@BradBroaddus

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

@BradBroaddus

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

@BradBroaddus

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

@BradBroaddus

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

@BradBroaddus

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.