11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
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Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
A dad and his duck
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!