DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
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My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver