Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
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Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I wish this was real life…
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I’m already scared
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
called in thicc to work this morning