A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner