@Brampersandon_

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

@Brampersandon_

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

@Brampersandon_

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

@Brampersandon_

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

@Brampersandon_

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

@Brampersandon_

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

@Brampersandon_

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

@Brampersandon_

“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”